BY FREELANCER GRAZ FIRECASTER
Now as most of you know, I have little or no second life attributes which could really be described as a “skill”. I can’t build anything more complicated than a box, I can’t find what I want in search, I don’t know how to breed bunnies, and sometimes my hair ends up back to front when I put on a t-shirt. So can you imagine my surprise when I was dragged screaming into a passing limousine by two burly henchmen and told that I, Graz Firecaster, had been specially selected by Linden Lab to develop Second Life Viewer 3? I was subsequently dumped unceremoniously back at Penny Lane with the words “and this time make sure it does stuff people actually want and like” ringing in my ears. Well, as you can imagine I’m panicking now. They said if I don’t have it ready to use by the end of next month they will reduce my prim count and inject me with lag.
OK, I’ve given this some thought and I’ve compiled a initial list for you to add to…
1. An “UNDO” button – this will automatically reverse that wardrobe accident that left you in a crowded place stark-bollock-naked. It will also repair the damage done when you accidentally click “take” and put your house back into your inventory. Naturally it will also undo that last comment you made which offended everyone within chat range.
2. A “Drama Detector” - this will automatically scan the profiles of anyone who comes within chat radius. If it finds the words “I don’t do drama” anywhere in their SL or FL profiles it will automatically shut down your ability to type and teleport you a safe distance away from them. Because as we all know only “grade A” drama queens ever feel the need to tell people that they don’t do drama.
3. An alcohol translator – Should you ever find yourself in the unfortunate situation of being drunk in charge of an avatar, you’ll find this an essential feature of Viewer 3. At the first utterance of jibberish or BS the alcohol filter will kick it automatically and ensure that every drunken meandering that leaves your keyboard is vetted and replaced with more appropriate words, leaving a log for your sober self to read in the morning. This feature will also prevent you telling random people that they are your best mate and you love them. It will prevent you taking all your clothes off and showing strangers your bolt on prims. It will prevent you typing the words to Danny Boy in block caps, and most importantly it will teleport you home and log you out of SL when your forehead hits the keyboard.
4. “Offline mode” – a much requested feature, it works a bit like busy mode with some subtle and important differences. It shows you as being offline to all your friends, but to make sure they don’t rumble that you’re actually online and hiding from them it automatically sends each of them a message saying “I’m not here, you haven’t seen me, if you’ve got one of them scanners enabled that says I am it’s probably malfunctioning or SL or something”. Absolutely fool-proof!
5. Paranoia deflector – Ever wonder if they are all talking about you? Now you can find out. Back-stabbers and gossips now show up as a red dot on your mini-map.
6. Realism – We all know how popular Emerald’s “breast physics” have become, and no new viewer would be complete without this essential feature. However I plan to develop this further to add to the realism of your Second Life. For male avatars there will the be realistic “man curve physics” providing that dynamic quiver to male gut and moob areas plus a realistic bounce to that sculptie sock you stuffed down the front of your undercrackers. You lucky ladies!
I think you’ll agree that these are the essential features we’ve all been longing for. But this is just a jumping off point, let’s brainstorm it people. I want to hear your suggestions for this exciting new Viewer!
* Legal disclaimer – Moonletters, and especially Graz Firecaster, are not in any way affiliated with Linden Lab. Should Linden Lab be looking for input on any new software, it is unlikely they would contact Graz Firecaster about it. Additionally, Moonletters would like to remind you that Graz Firecaster sometimes tells fibs.