Next Patient, Please!

BY STAFF WRITER FERAL MOSSRIDER

I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather recently, so when it came to writing this week’s Moonletters’ article, I decided to cheat a little and get somebody else to do the hard work for me. Perhaps it was my poor, afflicted state that was the inspiration for me to ask for a contribution from one of my learned relatives, Dr Fearless Moonslider MD(SL), MTed.

Doc. Fearless has recently completed a study of Second Life related afflictions, which he was more than willing to share with you. He was hoping that Shauna would publish the full 140-page academic paper but, thankfully, he’s agreed to provide a more layman-friendly version, which I’m sure you will find to be of interest. Over to you, Doc!…

It is one of the fallacies of the virtual community that it is possible to engage in the online experience with complete impunity. My recent exhaustive study has confirmed that this is not strictly true: As with any pursuit, whether for business or pleasure, there are inevitable inherent risks. My investigations have led me to believe that there are in fact a number of Second Life afflictions that can beset the unwary user – some case studies of which I will present in this paper. Whilst distressing and embarrassing, most of these ailments are only short-lived and will resolve themselves over time, failing that, they can often be treated by one dose of a simple treatment, which can be expressed in the formula:

Re-bake(x3) Relog[+clear cache]

(frantic clicks)x(random keys)

I’ll turn now to the principal Second Life induced complaints which can manifest themselves in any avatar, regardless of sex or species.

The Vapours - The most obvious symptom of this particular ailment is a tendency to exhibit all the qualities of cumulonimbus, but without the benefit of a silver lining. The affliction can be rather disconcerting – although we may seem to ourselves to be as formless and ethereal as patchy fog on an autumn morning – to others we may appear completely unchanged from our normal appearance. The obvious downside to this state of affairs is that we may have absolutely no idea that we are completely naked in a crowded room. The prognosis for this particular condition is: Scattered showers, eventually clearing to a sunny disposition.

Proto-primitivism – Known more readily by its common name – ‘being Ruthed’ – this unfortunate condition can cause regression to extreme noobidity. Typically, it can be recognised by a perma-tanned complexion, jerky movements and dull, lacklustre hair. One of the more unusual side effects of the condition is that, no matter how hard the victim may try, it becomes impossible to remove underwear which, becomes biologically part of the sufferer’s skin. Becoming ‘Ruthed’ can therefore be a very effective form of contraception and may help prevent unwanted prim pregnancies.

Invisi-enza - A strange and perplexing condition, where not only do you lose sensation in some parts of the body, but you also suffer the apparent loss of the affected areas. Although dramatic in appearance, it’s not as serious as it might initially appear – the missing bits are still there, it’s just that you can’t see them. Invisi-enza tends to be a temporary affliction, from which recovery can occur swiftly and without warning – rather unfortunate if, at the moment of re-appearance, you happen to be flashing invisible ‘V’s at someone, or you’re caught kicking your neighbour surreptitiously up the butt with your previously invisible foot!

Double Hirsute-algia - A disturbing, mainly cosmetic condition where the victim may suddenly sport an extra growth of hair in addition to their usual barnet. The unfortunate victim is not only unaware of their striking new look but would almost certainly be mentally scarred if they were to find out that they have sprouted a rather unflattering black mullet, which appears to be making a successful takeover bid for their scalp – to spare their sanity, it is therefore vital that you never inform a sufferer that they have been afflicted. There is no known cure for this condition, which will spontaneously clear up of its own accord, just as suddenly as it appeared. (Note – this condition is not to be confused with ‘bad hair’, ‘bed hair’ or ‘freebie hair’, which are quite separate, easily cured conditions).

Triple-jointedness - A peculiar and rather amusing condition which causes the victim’s body to suddenly assume a pose that is painful and defies all normal biological and skeletal convention. A sufferer may suddenly find their hip joints as flexible as soggy spaghetti, with their ankles dangling somewhere around their ears. Another common variation is the extended arm, which points somewhere to the middle distance, at 180 degrees to its normal angle. A severe case may result in the sufferer’s neck becoming flexible to the point at which they can give a passable rendition of the famous revolving head scene from ‘The Exorcist’.

A related condition is ‘Monkey Bar Syndrome’ – whereby the sufferer finds they are incapable of lowering their arms and are therefore forced to wander round with both arms fully extended above their head. A simple, though crude, treatment for MBS is the addition of a football scarf, held aloft – at least the sufferer can then pretend that their sorry state is completely intentional!

Complete Disco-ordination - Nothing to do with 1970′s dance venues or ‘Saturday Night Fever’, there is some doubt that this an actual Second Life medical condition. Sufferers appear to be incapable of negotiating doorways, climbing stairs or making any sort of movement without walking through other people. Some schools of thought prefer to consider all these are symptoms of either complete incompetence or lack of mouse handling skills, rather than a real medical affliction.

To conclude, there are a number of Second Life related medical conditions which can affect anyone at any time, these are quite separate from those mental conditions peculiar to Second Life (to which my next paper is to be dedicated). My only advice is to always wear protection and, if you do happen to get caught out, grin and bear it – there’s not much else you can do!